Today was supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life....one that will be forever engraved in my memory, in photographs, in my heart. There will be no photographs of today. There will be memories of today but ones I wish I could take away.
I have just laid my son down for a nap and my home is so still and quiet. Reminds me of my heart right now. No newborn sounds and grunts, no newborn cries, no newborn smells. I wonder how I'm breathing because I feel my heart stopped days ago. It stopped when I lost my daughter.
My soul battles within me. I trust God's Word and believe Jeremiah 29:11. I also feel abandon and betrayed by this same Loving God. This pain is so deep. I can tolerate the pain though. I cannot tolerate seeing my 6 year old physically sick and mourning the loss of her long awaited baby sister. I cannot tolerate the thought of my 2 day old daughter living with criminals, in filth, unloved. Does she remember my voice ? Will she ever know how badly I wanted her and how much I prayed for her before she ever took a breath ?
I ponder all the significant details that surrounded our adoption of Elise. The significance of her name, the month she was conceived and many other details that are too many to name. What did all of that mean now that we are here ?
I wish I could rest, go away from where I am. Everything has a memory because I spent so much time with the birth mother in so many places. I cannot though because in reality this has just begun in so many ways. I have to remain here, have the details brought up to me, testify to the pain of my soul.
Praying yet again, that this day holds a miracle for our daughter and for us.....please pray with me !!!
Brooke, my heart continues to break for you and your family, and I so want to understand why everything has happened the way it has. It's so hard in times like these to have remember that God is in control and has your very best interests at heart. He IS faithful, and while just makes no sense to any of us, I pray that you will continue to rest in His perfect peace and will and somehow find comfort and strength that is just unimaginable. I will continue to pray unceasingly for you and your family, Elise and even this birth mother!
ReplyDelete