Our New Reality ??

I thought I was keeping up with my blog but realized I haven't been recording any of this week's drama.

Well, today our daughter is 1 week old. One week already since our lives forever changed.
Today was terrible. I spent hours off and on in tears, on my knees, locked in my room ( so my children don't get sad that Mommy is crying again ). I had very painful, hurtful things said to me today out of ignorance. Is ignorance really bliss ?? I have thought this week , " wow Mike is taking this really good. He isn't crying or getting angry like me ". My beloved husband corrected my thoughts today. We locked ourselves in our room and sobbed. He told me he doesn't understand all this, he's struggling to keep the faith, he misses our daughter. Side note, how is it possible to miss someone SO MUCH that you have never met ?

This week has been a roller coaster of emotions for us. We have agreed that the silent days ( when we don't hear from our lawyer or when we don't have numerous messages from people telling us they are praying ) are the hardest days. We wonder is anything happening regarding our case, are their prayers going to the Father on our behalf or our innocent daughter's behalf ?

I decided this morning I needed to tackle the dreaded chore of dusting....argh, my least favorite chore. I started in my bedroom and came upon a clothes bag that goes inside Elise's diaper bag. ( For extra clothes, soiled cloth diapers, wet clothes, etc ) When I saw it my heart broke for inside that bag was the outfit we had special ordered for Elise to wear home from the hospital. That bag was still sitting in the exact place I put it one week ago yesterday. It had dust on it and our cat Ramona's hair. It was such a numbing sight. Like everything around that bag was shifted yet here sat something frozen in time. In our school room we have a calendar. The last date posted on the calendar was Thursday, May 12th. I realized how much has stopped in our world since last week.....everything except our breathing !!

The days do not get easier. In fact, possibly worse because the shock is wearing off and reality is setting in. Reality that we may never see our daughter's face. Reality that she may never hear us utter " I love you Elise and have prayed for you before you were born ". Reality that Elise may spend the rest of her life being raised by criminals. Reality that my childhood dream of adopting may never happen for me ( how does someone just come up with the money needed to adopt a newborn baby ). Reality that my life may very well be turned to the fight for adoptive parents rights laws. Reality that my children's question "Mommy, when will God let us see Elise" may never be answered. We have a new reality and it's one I wish I could fight with my every being. For some reason, God has allowed us to have this new reality. I don't understand why and truthfully have questioned His love for me so much this week. But then question myself that maybe, just maybe this was God's reality for me all along.......

So many questions, unanswered questions and many more to come.
Tonight, I continue to ask for prayers for our daughter's safety and protection. Pray God brings Elise home to the family who has desired her, longed for her and now mourned for her. Pray for another family tonight.....one that is also mourning the loss of a child/a dream/ the ability to adopt again. Pray for birth mother's heart to be changed. Pray for justice to be brought to birth mother and birth father. Pray for Selah and Tobias as they question us daily "where is Elise and when can we see our sister". Pray for my husband as he tries to be strong and tough for me but he himself is hurting inside also. Pray for our lawyers. Pray for the judicial system to realize the severity of this case. Pray for the state attorney. Pray for our hearts to be able to mourn and then do what God may be calling us to do to fight for adoptive parental rights. Pray for peace for our hearts !!!!

Why Are We Here ??

Today was supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life....one that will be forever engraved in my memory, in photographs, in my heart. There will be no photographs of today. There will be memories of today but ones I wish I could take away.

I have just laid my son down for a nap and my home is so still and quiet. Reminds me of my heart right now. No newborn sounds and grunts, no newborn cries, no newborn smells. I wonder how I'm breathing because I feel my heart stopped days ago. It stopped when I lost my daughter.

My soul battles within me. I trust God's Word and believe Jeremiah 29:11. I also feel abandon and betrayed by this same Loving God. This pain is so deep. I can tolerate the pain though. I cannot tolerate seeing my 6 year old physically sick and mourning the loss of her long awaited baby sister. I cannot tolerate the thought of my 2 day old daughter living with criminals, in filth, unloved. Does she remember my voice ? Will she ever know how badly I wanted her and how much I prayed for her before she ever took a breath ?

I ponder all the significant details that surrounded our adoption of Elise. The significance of her name, the month she was conceived and many other details that are too many to name. What did all of that mean now that we are here ?

I wish I could rest, go away from where I am. Everything has a memory because I spent so much time with the birth mother in so many places. I cannot though because in reality this has just begun in so many ways. I have to remain here, have the details brought up to me, testify to the pain of my soul.

Praying yet again, that this day holds a miracle for our daughter and for us.....please pray with me !!!

Day Two

Am I dreaming ? Will I wake from this nightmare ?
Things are not as we had planned or prayed for.......

Day two of knowing this baby girl we have "longed for" will not come home with this. Day two of seeing her empty bassinet. Day two of looking at her laundered pink clothes hanging in the closet. Day two of being so concerned about her spiritual/physical safety that I am physically sick. Day two of remembering the promises made to us and the legal contracts binding us to this baby. Day two of my 6 year old clutching her "baby sister's" stuffed lamb ( she won't let it leave her side). Day two of trusting God with my heart. Day two of having moments of weakness where I feel...."why God would you allow this to happen to us 3 times", "why God can I just not have another baby like so many others". Day two of my messy house because I'm spending so much time on the telephone with our lawyer. Day two of  having a peace that passing understanding despite my unanswered questions.

Praying Day two holds a MIRACLE for us and our Elise !!!

What a Day

I haven't kept up with this blog and I'm sorry as I know so many want to know our story. My next update was to be about the day we met the birth mother. Quite honestly, I cannot write that tonight as my heart is on other matters.

Today was a day of HUGE emotions !!! My precious friend warned and prepared me that the last few weeks/days are the hardest. I felt that first hand today. I am unable to share details of this situation because of legality issues but can share how badly prayers are needed for us over the next several days and into the weekend. I am tired of this and just want our daughter home. We feel somewhat used and abused tonight and COVET prayers for our daughter ( Elise ) and for us. Please stand with us and pray our hearts will be ministered to by the Holy Spirit, pray for Elise's protection, pray for a smooth labor and delivery ( and that BOTH Mike and I can be present.....there is issue with that today ), pray that NO bonding will take place between birth mother and Elise, pray that birth mother WILL follow through and sign her parental rights over, pray that the judge WILL terminate the birth father's rights QUICKLY, pray for our daughter Elise to come home with us days after delivery.

My head hurts tonight, my heart is heavy and I am yearning for Elise to know how deeply we have longed for her in our family and how much we love her !!! I am yearning for my arms to have my daughter in them. That will make up for today......What A Day !!