Our New Reality ??

I thought I was keeping up with my blog but realized I haven't been recording any of this week's drama.

Well, today our daughter is 1 week old. One week already since our lives forever changed.
Today was terrible. I spent hours off and on in tears, on my knees, locked in my room ( so my children don't get sad that Mommy is crying again ). I had very painful, hurtful things said to me today out of ignorance. Is ignorance really bliss ?? I have thought this week , " wow Mike is taking this really good. He isn't crying or getting angry like me ". My beloved husband corrected my thoughts today. We locked ourselves in our room and sobbed. He told me he doesn't understand all this, he's struggling to keep the faith, he misses our daughter. Side note, how is it possible to miss someone SO MUCH that you have never met ?

This week has been a roller coaster of emotions for us. We have agreed that the silent days ( when we don't hear from our lawyer or when we don't have numerous messages from people telling us they are praying ) are the hardest days. We wonder is anything happening regarding our case, are their prayers going to the Father on our behalf or our innocent daughter's behalf ?

I decided this morning I needed to tackle the dreaded chore of dusting....argh, my least favorite chore. I started in my bedroom and came upon a clothes bag that goes inside Elise's diaper bag. ( For extra clothes, soiled cloth diapers, wet clothes, etc ) When I saw it my heart broke for inside that bag was the outfit we had special ordered for Elise to wear home from the hospital. That bag was still sitting in the exact place I put it one week ago yesterday. It had dust on it and our cat Ramona's hair. It was such a numbing sight. Like everything around that bag was shifted yet here sat something frozen in time. In our school room we have a calendar. The last date posted on the calendar was Thursday, May 12th. I realized how much has stopped in our world since last week.....everything except our breathing !!

The days do not get easier. In fact, possibly worse because the shock is wearing off and reality is setting in. Reality that we may never see our daughter's face. Reality that she may never hear us utter " I love you Elise and have prayed for you before you were born ". Reality that Elise may spend the rest of her life being raised by criminals. Reality that my childhood dream of adopting may never happen for me ( how does someone just come up with the money needed to adopt a newborn baby ). Reality that my life may very well be turned to the fight for adoptive parents rights laws. Reality that my children's question "Mommy, when will God let us see Elise" may never be answered. We have a new reality and it's one I wish I could fight with my every being. For some reason, God has allowed us to have this new reality. I don't understand why and truthfully have questioned His love for me so much this week. But then question myself that maybe, just maybe this was God's reality for me all along.......

So many questions, unanswered questions and many more to come.
Tonight, I continue to ask for prayers for our daughter's safety and protection. Pray God brings Elise home to the family who has desired her, longed for her and now mourned for her. Pray for another family tonight.....one that is also mourning the loss of a child/a dream/ the ability to adopt again. Pray for birth mother's heart to be changed. Pray for justice to be brought to birth mother and birth father. Pray for Selah and Tobias as they question us daily "where is Elise and when can we see our sister". Pray for my husband as he tries to be strong and tough for me but he himself is hurting inside also. Pray for our lawyers. Pray for the judicial system to realize the severity of this case. Pray for the state attorney. Pray for our hearts to be able to mourn and then do what God may be calling us to do to fight for adoptive parental rights. Pray for peace for our hearts !!!!