Seems So Long Ago

It seems like it has been more than just a month since our lives changed forever. It seems so long ago......

It seems so long ago that I heard my daughter's heartbeat.
It seems so long ago that I saw her yawn during an ultrasound.
It seems so long ago that I packed her coming home outfit in her diaper bag.
It seems so long ago that I have heard my phone beep alerting me I had another text from our birth mother.
It seems so long ago that my heart would skip a beat when I heard our lawyer's voice.....now her voice only makes my heart remember the joy that once abounded there.
It seems so long ago that I heard those empty promises that she would NEVER go back on her word and keep our baby.
It seems so long ago that I have seen the woman who I grew to love with all my heart.
It seems so long ago that we sat in a hospital waiting room for 2 hours expecting birth mom's arrival at the hospital. Pleading and praying to God that she would arrive for delivery and that she hadn't changed her mind.
It seems so long ago that I heard our lawyer tell Mike, " Leave the hospital now....she doesn't want you there. She says she hasn't changed her mind about placing baby with you but she wants you away from her tonight. Wait to hear from me regarding when to come pick up your baby from the hospital."

One month has gone by in our lives but one month seems so long ago.......

Only God

We received a call from our lawyer yesterday with some very unexpected news. Our birth mother had contacted our lawyer expressing that she wants to pay us back our money and she requested our forgiveness. This birth mother is extremely poor, how she would be able to pay us back is not known. Our biggest surprise was that she wants our forgiveness. I right away didn't know if I could forgive her.

Mike and I wrote her a letter yesterday and expressed how much this has hurt us. We mailed it yesterday.

I awoke this morning with alot on my mind and praying alot. God has performed a miracle in Brooke Wesley this morning. I have FORGIVEN our birth mother. Whole heartedly forgiven her !!! I have such a love for her again. This makes NO sense and from the world's view is ridiculous. I cannot explain what exactly changed my heart....only the moving of the Holy Spirit. God lead me to Matthew 5:43-48 this morning. It shook my world !! I am aching for her salvation. I have such a concern for her soul today.

I wanted to thank everyone for their many prayers the last few months. They have been heard !!
I do ask that everyone would continue to pray for our birth mother. PLEASE pray for her salvation. We ask for God to break her spirit. Please continue to pray for our Elise, that God's will be done in her little life.

Our New Reality ??

I thought I was keeping up with my blog but realized I haven't been recording any of this week's drama.

Well, today our daughter is 1 week old. One week already since our lives forever changed.
Today was terrible. I spent hours off and on in tears, on my knees, locked in my room ( so my children don't get sad that Mommy is crying again ). I had very painful, hurtful things said to me today out of ignorance. Is ignorance really bliss ?? I have thought this week , " wow Mike is taking this really good. He isn't crying or getting angry like me ". My beloved husband corrected my thoughts today. We locked ourselves in our room and sobbed. He told me he doesn't understand all this, he's struggling to keep the faith, he misses our daughter. Side note, how is it possible to miss someone SO MUCH that you have never met ?

This week has been a roller coaster of emotions for us. We have agreed that the silent days ( when we don't hear from our lawyer or when we don't have numerous messages from people telling us they are praying ) are the hardest days. We wonder is anything happening regarding our case, are their prayers going to the Father on our behalf or our innocent daughter's behalf ?

I decided this morning I needed to tackle the dreaded chore of dusting....argh, my least favorite chore. I started in my bedroom and came upon a clothes bag that goes inside Elise's diaper bag. ( For extra clothes, soiled cloth diapers, wet clothes, etc ) When I saw it my heart broke for inside that bag was the outfit we had special ordered for Elise to wear home from the hospital. That bag was still sitting in the exact place I put it one week ago yesterday. It had dust on it and our cat Ramona's hair. It was such a numbing sight. Like everything around that bag was shifted yet here sat something frozen in time. In our school room we have a calendar. The last date posted on the calendar was Thursday, May 12th. I realized how much has stopped in our world since last week.....everything except our breathing !!

The days do not get easier. In fact, possibly worse because the shock is wearing off and reality is setting in. Reality that we may never see our daughter's face. Reality that she may never hear us utter " I love you Elise and have prayed for you before you were born ". Reality that Elise may spend the rest of her life being raised by criminals. Reality that my childhood dream of adopting may never happen for me ( how does someone just come up with the money needed to adopt a newborn baby ). Reality that my life may very well be turned to the fight for adoptive parents rights laws. Reality that my children's question "Mommy, when will God let us see Elise" may never be answered. We have a new reality and it's one I wish I could fight with my every being. For some reason, God has allowed us to have this new reality. I don't understand why and truthfully have questioned His love for me so much this week. But then question myself that maybe, just maybe this was God's reality for me all along.......

So many questions, unanswered questions and many more to come.
Tonight, I continue to ask for prayers for our daughter's safety and protection. Pray God brings Elise home to the family who has desired her, longed for her and now mourned for her. Pray for another family tonight.....one that is also mourning the loss of a child/a dream/ the ability to adopt again. Pray for birth mother's heart to be changed. Pray for justice to be brought to birth mother and birth father. Pray for Selah and Tobias as they question us daily "where is Elise and when can we see our sister". Pray for my husband as he tries to be strong and tough for me but he himself is hurting inside also. Pray for our lawyers. Pray for the judicial system to realize the severity of this case. Pray for the state attorney. Pray for our hearts to be able to mourn and then do what God may be calling us to do to fight for adoptive parental rights. Pray for peace for our hearts !!!!

Why Are We Here ??

Today was supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life....one that will be forever engraved in my memory, in photographs, in my heart. There will be no photographs of today. There will be memories of today but ones I wish I could take away.

I have just laid my son down for a nap and my home is so still and quiet. Reminds me of my heart right now. No newborn sounds and grunts, no newborn cries, no newborn smells. I wonder how I'm breathing because I feel my heart stopped days ago. It stopped when I lost my daughter.

My soul battles within me. I trust God's Word and believe Jeremiah 29:11. I also feel abandon and betrayed by this same Loving God. This pain is so deep. I can tolerate the pain though. I cannot tolerate seeing my 6 year old physically sick and mourning the loss of her long awaited baby sister. I cannot tolerate the thought of my 2 day old daughter living with criminals, in filth, unloved. Does she remember my voice ? Will she ever know how badly I wanted her and how much I prayed for her before she ever took a breath ?

I ponder all the significant details that surrounded our adoption of Elise. The significance of her name, the month she was conceived and many other details that are too many to name. What did all of that mean now that we are here ?

I wish I could rest, go away from where I am. Everything has a memory because I spent so much time with the birth mother in so many places. I cannot though because in reality this has just begun in so many ways. I have to remain here, have the details brought up to me, testify to the pain of my soul.

Praying yet again, that this day holds a miracle for our daughter and for us.....please pray with me !!!

Day Two

Am I dreaming ? Will I wake from this nightmare ?
Things are not as we had planned or prayed for.......

Day two of knowing this baby girl we have "longed for" will not come home with this. Day two of seeing her empty bassinet. Day two of looking at her laundered pink clothes hanging in the closet. Day two of being so concerned about her spiritual/physical safety that I am physically sick. Day two of remembering the promises made to us and the legal contracts binding us to this baby. Day two of my 6 year old clutching her "baby sister's" stuffed lamb ( she won't let it leave her side). Day two of trusting God with my heart. Day two of having moments of weakness where I feel...."why God would you allow this to happen to us 3 times", "why God can I just not have another baby like so many others". Day two of my messy house because I'm spending so much time on the telephone with our lawyer. Day two of  having a peace that passing understanding despite my unanswered questions.

Praying Day two holds a MIRACLE for us and our Elise !!!

What a Day

I haven't kept up with this blog and I'm sorry as I know so many want to know our story. My next update was to be about the day we met the birth mother. Quite honestly, I cannot write that tonight as my heart is on other matters.

Today was a day of HUGE emotions !!! My precious friend warned and prepared me that the last few weeks/days are the hardest. I felt that first hand today. I am unable to share details of this situation because of legality issues but can share how badly prayers are needed for us over the next several days and into the weekend. I am tired of this and just want our daughter home. We feel somewhat used and abused tonight and COVET prayers for our daughter ( Elise ) and for us. Please stand with us and pray our hearts will be ministered to by the Holy Spirit, pray for Elise's protection, pray for a smooth labor and delivery ( and that BOTH Mike and I can be present.....there is issue with that today ), pray that NO bonding will take place between birth mother and Elise, pray that birth mother WILL follow through and sign her parental rights over, pray that the judge WILL terminate the birth father's rights QUICKLY, pray for our daughter Elise to come home with us days after delivery.

My head hurts tonight, my heart is heavy and I am yearning for Elise to know how deeply we have longed for her in our family and how much we love her !!! I am yearning for my arms to have my daughter in them. That will make up for today......What A Day !!

March 23, 2011

I mentioned in my blog yesterday, that our lives changed because of an email I received.
It was Wednesday, March 23. The day was going like any other day for us. I decided to take a breather and get on Facebook for a few minutes while the kids were watching a video.
I'm a mega nerd and always get excited when I see that I have a new message, LOL
So, when I saw that I did in fact have a new message in my inbox, I went to check that first before looking at status updates. Boy, am I glad I wasted NO time in reading this particular FB message !

In this email a sweet friend of mine mentioned that she knew of a lawyer who was looking for a family to adopt an unborn baby girl. This lawyer asked my friend if she knew of ANYONE who would be interested in this baby. My friend said that she immediately thought of Mike and I and gave the lawyer our names. The lawyer wanted to know if she could talk with Mike and I asap, for she was in desperate need of finding this baby a home. Of course, when I read through the email my heart skipped a beat and I was already imagining if this could "be it". Now, to approach my husband who was in the midst of college mid terms :)
Mike's first question when I told him about this baby girl was, " how much will it cost "....haha
I explained as much as I knew, about the situation, to him and pleaded with him to at least allow the lawyer to contact us and for us to get more details. OKAY !!! So, I quickly emailed my friend back and told her that yes, the lawyer could contact us. Mike and I immediately began to pray that God would guide our steps, give us insight and allow His will to be done ( despite how badly we wanted this to be the moment we were waiting for ) Within about 30 minutes, I received the call from the lawyer. She was working with a birthmother since January and had been unable to find a family for this birth mom. She told me a few other details about the case ( which I cannot share ) and then told me that I could call the birth mother to get a "feel for her". WOW !!!! I ran outside to tell Mike everything the lawyer had said to me. I asked if he was alright with me contacting this birth mother. We again prayed together ( as we had both been separately praying since we received the email ) Mike told me to go ahead and call the mom. I spoke with her about 15 minutes and asked her several important questions about her adoption plan. I remember telling her that I hoped we would talk again soon.....she agreed with me that she hoped we would talk again. Once again, I RAN outside to tell Mike everything we said to one another. Mike proceeds to tell me that he thinks everything sounds good and that incredibly, he was getting this overwhelming peace already ! We decided that a second call to the lawyer was warranted. You can imagine how excited this lawyer was to receive my call that yes, we had a peace about this. She wanted me to immediately call a colleague of hers ( who does home studies ) to set a time we could meet with him. Mike and I decided that we would spend the night in deep prayer and that if our peace remained, that the following morning I would call this man to begin our home study.

You can imagine, I did NOT sleep that night !!!!
When Mike came home from work the next morning, I ask him how he feels. Anyone who knows my husband, knows he LOVES to joke around. He replied to me, "how do I feel about WHAT " . Seriously Mike ?!!!! After getting me a little tense ( me thinking he is truly unaware of what I'm talking about ), Mike tells me that nothing has changed except that he feels even stronger peace from the Lord.
We decide to not only call the man to begin our home study but to check in with the lawyer, making sure she knows we are 100% on board with this adoption. She informs me that she had received a phone call that morning from a prospective adoptive couple who wanted this baby girl. Now, remember the lawyer had been working with this birth mother since January and had NO luck finding a family. The lawyers words to me over the phone were, " well you guys got in just in time for this baby. It's amazing when the stars just line up right ".
I shared with her how in fact, God was the Author of us being the ones who would be this baby's forever family !!!

I just assumed that our lawyer would call the birth mother back letting her know that we were going to proceed with this adoption. Well, our lawyer had gotten sick since I had last spoken with her and had NOT informed the birth mother. I got to make that call !!! I will never forget the sound of birth momma's sigh of relief when I told her we were the ones !

She mentioned to me that day, that at the beginning of the following week she had an ultrasound on the baby and was asking me to come with her. I thought that would be the day I met my daughter's birth mother for the first time but once again, God was gonna surprise us !!

I will share tomorrow on our first meeting with this precious birth mother....